So many words, so little time....

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Human Feature Request...

Comprehension Error-Trapping

I'm sick and tired of finding out five minutes into a conversation that I lost the other party four minutes ago and they have not a clue what I'm talking about. I'd like to add an error to the ADO command set to trap this.

If a protocol failure occurs to prevent a full idea-handshake, the following error message should appear in front of the user:
ADO Error: Data Transfer Protocol Negotiation Failure
The packet stream you are emitting cannot be parsed by the recieving party in it's current format.

Click "OK" to review the stack trace and attempt to recover the process. Click "Cancel" to make an inane comment about mint-flavored sneakers and attempt to resume the process from here without the lost data.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Costello Calls To Buy A Computer From Abbott...

I've loved Abbott and Costello since I was a little kid, and the "Who's On First" routine is a pure classic. I ran in to this over on the Fray, and I snarfed tea all over my keyboard yet again. The last line is a killer.

Please make sure your mouth isn't full of your beverage of choice, and I present "Costello Calls to Buy a Computer from Abbott".

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Never drink the tap water at Jerry Garcia's....

There are many truisms in this world. You know, those little pieces of general advice that just seem to come true far more often than random chance would account for. "Never get involved in a land-war in Asia. "Don't spit into the wind". I may have found a new one. "Never give a server a Japanese name."

Sounds odd, I know. But I know of several different people who are having hardcore server trouble of various sorts, and the only thing all these machines have in common is that they have Japanese names. Makoto-rin over at Megatokyo had a major snit recently, Ukyo and PAL over at Real Life are on like Round 8 of a 10-roud matchup, and my box Diakon is being a brat, too. There's no other common point. Different technologies, different hardware, different everything. I know it's just a coincidence, but the superstitous side of me just keeps suggesting that the solution to my problem is just to rename the box.

That little bit of anachronism is always there, even for the most analytical of us. We turn our hat backward, wear lucky socks, give stubborn hardware a "technical tap". The fact that it seems to work sometimes just makes it even more pervasive.

At any rate, I've got to get back into the middle of this stupid thing. And I might just rename the box, too. Not because I really think the source of the problem is some sort of curse on servers with certain names, but because causing it to create a new record in the DNS table might get us away from the problem in the current one.